a bit of this and a bit of that

Remember my blog post about music and how much it means to me? Normally when something is wrong I can usually find a song to relate to it. Today this one line from a PINK song is resonating in my head:

"Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me"

Now that is not to say that I can't stand myself, I am working hard to get back to where I was and accept myself for who I am.

One of the best feelings is driving in the summer with the really bright, warm sun shining down and the music just cranked. Not a care in the world!

I had an anxiety attack the other day - and I didn't know what happened until afterwards. I didn't think I ever got anxiety attacks but I can think of at least one other time this happened to me.

So remember on Monday when I was feeling down after my workout at the gym? Well I went into Angelo's to get some pizza sauce for dinner and saw someone that I had not seen in a long time. I had gone to highschool with him when I was large, then ran into him at work right before my wedding and he has said how good I was looking (I was at my most fit then) and we had chatted for a bit and I haven't seen him since. He was in there and I did everything possible to keep from running into him. After I managed to leave the store with my sauce and not running into him I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and felt normal again. Very weird occurrence but I am chalking it up to the fact that I had just been upset with myself at the gym.

On a more positive note I have had a bit more energy yesterday and today. Yesterday I lasted longer than today but today I lasted longer than I have in a while. I am hoping that this sleeping pattern will pay off and that I stop waking up with such bad headaches soon. \

This was a pretty good weekend - we went to Tara's game yesterday then over to the states to get a few things, then today after church I had a meeting then came home and cleaned the apartment before heading to Sean's parents place to hang out for a bit while Sean and his Dad worked on something.

We all went out to dinner at Palasad (Sean and I are trying to chose new places to eat). We ordered a salad and a pizza to share. As soon as the salad came and I took one look at it, I decided that I was not sharing because it looked SO GOOD. I took one bite and was just in heaven. I did share some with him, but not half like I had planned, since I ended up having less pizza (which was also REALLY good). I had the Apple and Goat Cheese salad - and I would strongly recommend it to anyone!

My night time routine is going okay, it's a nuisance on the weekend let me tell you, and I have felt a bit better from doing it, but not much. I am going to keep on with it, as well as my Herbalife vitamins.
 

Pity party for 1

I was going to write a post last night but I was too busy holding a pity party for 1.

I have been working on my sleep hygiene and it is actually really tough to get into a sleep pattern. I am still really really tired and hoping that I start to feel the benefits soon (Google says it's about two weeks before you notice a difference). I've been having a very hard time saying awake during the day, and especially in the evening. My sleep time is 10 pm so it is very tough to stay away that long especially when I am SO tired. I have been waking up with headaches everyday too, that go away shortly after having a shower and eating.

So after work yesterday I met Sean at the gym and we got changed to do our workout. Then we sat there for 5 minutes and complained that we were both so tired and just wanted to go home. We contemplated leaving before working out but I was like that would be SO lazy and lame to get dressed then just change again and go home when we were already there. So we pursued our workout. I started my warm up walking on the treadmill and then went to the mats to do a good stretch. When I was stretching there were three females that were working out in the area that were super fit and it made me feel really crummy. I know you shouldn't compare yourself to others but I was down on the fact that I had let myself get like this (put some weight back on). I ended up doing a half an hour cardio workout then we went home.

I am feeling a bit better today, although still down, but I am trying to focus on the positive. The good thing is that I did NOT go home and eat my feelings! I made dinner, ate good portions, then had a portioned snack. Previously I would have just said "forget this" and eaten what ever I wanted. I am still determined to lose 8 pounds this month - and I am going to do it!

Today I am going to try a new idea - right as I am leaving work I am going to have a lift off to help power me through my workout. I have a really good workout plan for this week so I just have to stay focused on it.

Monday - gym
Tuesday - Lee
Wednesday - soccer
Thursday - gym
Friday - Lee
Saturday - gym
Sunday - hiking with Sean and Levi

I am going to finish this Debbie Downer post with three things that I am grateful for right now:

1. My back is no longer hurting me (for the most part)
2. I have a lot of exciting trips to looks forward to
3. I am starting to feel like my old self, little bit by little bit - but I notice them more obviously when they happen little bits at a time.
　
　
　
　

Rain...the perfect weather!

Yes indeed you did read that right. Rain is the PERFECT weather for this weekend. I have a lot to get done around the apartment and I started a growing list of things to accomplish this weekend that will take me quite some time and having weather like this is perfect to complete it in. I can see it now, staying in comfy clothes all weekend while ticking off things from my to do list, it brings a smile to my face.

Which brings me to today's rainy day blog topic: things that make us happy. I thought it would be best for me to start a list, since I have been talking about this with a few people lately.

Things that make me smile:
- drinking a tall glass of very cold water
- a clean work space (this actually makes me very giddy)
- crossing off items from a to do list
- curled up with my blanket, Levi, and a good book
- talking to friends
- a really good stretch
- getting new "supplies" for our apartment
- seeing my bed made
- a tidy apartment
- a blanket right out of the dryer on a chilly day
- a clean car
- the sun warming my skin
- my freckles
- snuggles with Levi
- Teeth that were just brushed

My favourite smells:
- fresh laundry
- freshly cut grass
- mulch
- lilac
- campfire
- Subway
- being outside, in the country
- freshly washed and dried hair
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Okay, so for those of you who don't know me, might not get why this is SUCH a big deal for me, but maybe you can relate.
Last night I was not feeling the greatest and was laying on the couch with my blanket and Levi watching a movie. I was so comfortable and started wishing I had some Kettle Corn popcorn to munch on. I was hum'ing and ha'ing as to go to the store to get some. I looked up the points on my phone and knew that I had enough to get some - so I paused the movie, got up and got dressed and went to the store.

On the way to the store I was thinking "OH! They have a bulk section there, and a few little chocolate treats would go PERFECT with my popcorn." Then I thought "OOHHHH what I really want is a brownie from Remark, so I will go there instead of getting popcorn and chocolate." So I decided I would go get the brownie. Since my goal was to lose 8 pounds in June, and it was still May I was totally "safe".

This is when the light bulb went on and I actually talked out loud to myself "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? That is exactly why you are struggling so much right now, because you keep saying I'll do better TOMORROW. Why not RIGHT NOW? You got off the couch, got dressed and left the apartment to get popcorn. You are going to go into that store, get popcorn ONLY and leave. Otherwise if you don't think you can do that you will turn around and go home with nothing".

Okay so weird to talk to myself in the car...maybe (but at least I have tinted windows!) and it totally worked! I was thinking look at this food frenzy from 1 minute to the next you had totally changed what you were going for and would have eaten way more calories than planned - and still have been craving popcorn at the end!

I got the kettle corn, went home and measured out my serving and munched on it quite happily. It feels really great that I was able to stop myself and realize what I was doing and actually care enough to change my thoughts (I often know what I am buying I shouldn't but I tell myself I just don't care, I'll do better tomorrow).

Anyways, if that has ever happened to you then you will understand how proud I am of that moment and TOOT TOOT my own horn. And if you don't understand then I just wasted a few minutes of your time while you read that!
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Tonight I have a workout session after work then I am grabbing Subway before heading to a movie night at the church, with a bunch of other women, in our comfy clothes!

Enjoy your weekend, what ever the weather is where you live and do something positive!